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The lyrics in this chapter are from "It's Been Awhile" by Staind off the Break the Cycle album and no copy write infringement is intended on the song
Let me just say that flashbacks are awesome, I love flashbacks.
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Willow was in the bed; Spike was up smoking a cigarette. He was watching her sleep, something he used to do with Buffy and Dru. Never with Harmony though. Harmony, he shuddered as he remembered her, what a total mistake that was. Watching his love, the one who truly matched him, he saw the dreams overtake her yet again and he wondered what she dreamed, what went on in Red's mind when she slept.
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What have you done?
Willow looked at Buffy, desperate and hurting. Not seeing salvation in her eyes, Willow turned back to Warren, knowing that she was now outcast forever. But it was ok. She was avenging Tara's death the only way she knew how, the only way that the Slayer taught her to, repaying blood with blood, death with death.
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As Willow dreamt, that stupid song, the one that reminded her of her humanity, of what she traded away, of what she was trying to run away from, played a soundtrack to the dream. Sometimes she thought the dream was going to drive her mad, crazier than even Drusilla was. Sometimes.
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It's been awhile, since I could
Hold my head high
It's been awhile since I first saw you
Willow dreamt of the first meeting between herself and Tara, how shy and uncertain the two of them were around each other.
It's been a while since I could stand
On my own two feet again
It's been awhile since I could call you
Always, why did this part always have to hurt like this? Reliving the fight they had, Tara leaving her, Tara meeting another girl.
But everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
Using the magic, pushing Tara away because she was unable to admit her addictions. Hurting Dawn in the car accident. Hurting Buffy by hurting Dawn. Hurting Xander by turning her back on him, not that he or Anya gave a damn all wrapped up in their wedding plans, something that she and Tara were denied. Fucking up spell after spell. Being caught fucking up spell after spell. Having the spell work but still getting caught.
It's been awhile since I could say
That I wasn't addicted
It's been a while since I could say
I love myself as well
It's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do
Lying to them all; hurting them all. Craving the magic like she now craved blood, hot and wet spilling over her tongue, fierce and uncontrolled. Hating herself for hurting her friends, hating her friends for making her get clean, hating the magic as much as she loved it.
But all that shit seems to disappear
When I'm with you
Spike, the only one that she never hurt directly. The only one that she could not hurt directly. The only one that she never ever felt guilty around, the only one who understood the addiction and the withdrawal. The only one who could cool the fire in her with the coolness of his skin for, even as a vampire, the witch blood still burned hot and heady within her.
But everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gona and fucked things up again.
Using the magic, pushing Tara away because she was unable to admit her addictions. Hurting Dawn in the car accident. Hurting Buffy by hurting Dawn. Hurting Xander by turning her back on him, not that he or Anya gave a damn all wrapped up in their wedding plans, something that she and Tara were denied. Fucking up spell after spell. Being caught fucking up spell after spell. Having the spell work but still getting caught.
Why must I feel this way
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
Realizing that Oz was never coming back. Watching Tara die. Ripping Warren to shreds. Shaking as the magic coursed through her, as she allowed the channels to open, the addiction to take a hold. Turning to follow Spike, using her magic to track him across the globe, hunting him as he once hunted her.
It's been awhile since I could
Look at myself straight
It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
It's been awhile since I've seen the way
the candles light your face
But I can still remember
Just the way you taste
Finding Spike in some African hellhole, not really even sure where they were. The chip was still in his head, she offered to remove it with magic if he would turn her. Feeling his fangs sink into her neck, her blood being drained, watching as he slit his wrist and let her drink his blood. Waking with a start, highly disoriented. Spike taking care of her so tenderly. The spell. Removing the chip.
But everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
Spike holding her through the nightmares, through the fear. Telling Spike that she loved him, joyfully accepting his love in return. Spike taking her to bed. Spike showing her was love could be, the boundaries that she had never before dared to cross. Reminding her that love and pain were very often the same thing, just as love and hate were two sides of the same coin. Spike, always there, washing her mind clean of thoughts of Tara or Oz, the two that left her.
It's been awhile since I could
Hold my head up high
And It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry...
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Snapping awake with a start, Willow looked at Spike leaning up against the wall, smoking another cigarette. Tenderly, she smiled at him and said, "You didn't leave me."
"No pet." He said, roughly flinging the cigarette out the window before coming over to the bed. "I will never leave you."
She reached up and pulled him down on the bed with her, hungrily kissing his mouth. Tearing her mouth away from his and rolling on top of him, she started to rip off his shirt, take off his clothes, driving him crazy with fangs and fingers, drawing blood with both. Just as she brought him to the climax, she stopped, "Tell me you love me." She ordered, eyes blackened with lust and power.
"I love you." He growled and flipped her over onto her back. Entering her, he moved rhythmically, "I love you and I will never ever leave you, Red. Never." He licked her neck once, twice, before sinking his fangs into her skin, bringing both of them to a shattering orgasm.
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